You Shouldn't Blog When You're Tired, and I Am Oh, So Tired.

The boys have a children’s Bible storybook called the Jesus Storybook Bible, and for the last two days one or both of them has requested the story of the Holy Spirit coming down at Pentecost.  In a very charming tone, the writer describes the disciples holed up in this room, terrified in a way that you would be if everyone was out to get you, your best friend was gone, and you had no idea how to do what God wanted you to do.  I have never before thought of their fear and confusion in light of my own experience, but perhaps there was at least one disciple curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth and muttering nonsensical things about what might happen if this gift does not show up.  It would make me feel a lot better if I’m not the only one. 

Because seriously.  James asks every few nights if I’ve found a job yet.  I know he thinks I’m just waiting for something to fall into my lap, but I’ve updated and posted my resume for a job I don’t even know exists, I’m networking and sending emails, I’m following up on leads…and nothing.  Aside from deciding that I’ll continue with the writing business regardless of what goes down in the next few months, NOTHING has been decided.  No doors have opened.  I’ve prayed for wisdom in choosing what to pursue, but there isn’t anything to go after.  I feel a lot like those disciples waiting for the gift they were promised: I’m worried and starting to wonder if the gift is ever going to materialize.  I also feel like our other bedtime hero, Noah: building an ark in case of rain that no one has ever experienced.  I just cannot see how God is going to work this out and I’m starting to doubt that I’m on the right road at all.

I’m doing worst-case scenario preparation, and I probably don’t have to tell you that every match on care.com looks like a total dud.  I am constantly trying to turn my emotions back to God, but they are still constantly racing and churning.  I am a doer, and I don’t know what to do or how to find time to do it.  I’m so terribly afraid that I will screw this up, even though I’m pretty sure God told me He is above my screw-ups.  My teaching job is starting to look like the safe option, and at a certain point, I have to go back to it to pay the bills.  Unless God comes through.

I believe.  Please help my unbelief.