Caleb loves Hotwheels and Caleb loves semitrucks. On a forbidden run to Target, I discovered a Hotwheels semi that holds 40 little cars. I can picture Caleb's response to this toy. He is not subtle with his emotions, and he would be overjoyed. Overjoyed. I want to buy it for him. I want to make his tormented three-year-old, newly-middle-child heart happy. But I want to be a responsible parent and a responsible steward of our money.
If the parent analogy for God holds true, then He views us the same way. He sees the things that will make our heart happy, and He wants to give them to us. But he wants to do it in a way that will bless and grow us, not just turn our focus to ourselves.
I feel like I'm stuck waiting. I had a meeting with a friend about freelance writing, and all the leads turned out to be dead ends. I just can't figure out anything that will give me the flexibility to be with the kids and fill in the gap in our bills. I'm feeling pressured to make a decision about my old job, and sometimes I want to throw up my hands, toss the kids in daycare, and go back to work. Because it is all I know as an adult. Because there's security there. Because in many ways, it seems like the responsible thing to do.
And yet.
I really felt that God was leading me to the place I am now. That He was asking me to step away and focus on my family. I've forgotten those strong feelings now, and I'm trying to rely on what knew then.
I'm in this place of tension. Nothing is settled. There's no clear path. I should be way more of a wreck than I am. There's a sort of excitement, or expectation in the tension. Not that I want to stay here any longer than I have to, but I feel like God is working.
My greatest fear is that He'll let me down.
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