My sweet Caleb has me at my wit's end. All the time.
He has such a strong personality, such strong opinions, and such a need for control, and he can't see anything outside of himself right now. When I'm trying to get him to put on shoes for the zoo, he throws a tantrum because he wants to go outside RIGHT NOW. I'm sure if I could catch him in a sane moment, he would say that hands down the zoo is better than the back yard, but if he is thinking "back yard", getting him refocused is darn near impossible.
As much as he frustrates me, I am so much like him right now. He doesn't know how to trust me. Never once has he gone hungry, or suffered hurt, or gone without anything he needed, and in fact, he gets to have boatloads of fun on a daily basis...but he still can't take a deep breath and let me be in control for a moment. Because you never know. Mom might forget to make dinner. Or she might keep him inside all day on a beautiful day. Stranger things have happened. I try to explain to him why I'm doing what I'm doing, why what I have for him is better than what he thinks he wants, but he can't stop screaming to listen.
And folks, that's me to the core. One of my adjunct classes was canceled due to low enrollment, so boom, $800 a month just gone. We were barely scraping by before; we need that money. If I can settle down and listen, I can acknowledge the relief I felt. Relief because I feel called to do other things; my heart lies in pursing this writing business and playing with my kids. I didn't want to lose all that summer time with them. And now I have it back. If I really listen, I think I hear God saying, "You won't need that money. Don't fret. Enjoy the gift I've given you." And that's amazing, except that I know our budget and how much we bring in and how much we (don't) have in savings anymore. And nothing seems to be budging at James' job. And there's no way a little side business of freelance writing is going to close that gap in a month. And we don't have people in our lives who can help us right now. And I am so stinking tired of struggling EVERY MONTH and going without clothes that fit and things that work. And I destroyed the grill trying to do a creative Mother's Day project with the kids, and we use it ALL THE TIME. All these things run through my mind, and my soul is downcast within me.
I hear God speaking to me in Bible verses...the ones decorating my house. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Eli quoted that to me on Sunday when I told him I was discouraged. "And the Lord looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" That one hangs on my bathroom wall. "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." I had that made for Violet. Maybe it was for me. I'm going to need that strength and dignity, because three kids and five years of financial insecurity have left me with about three days worth of clothing that fits. Every song on the radio tells me that He keeps his promises, that he is for me and not against me, that he delights in me. And on Sunday, the speaker offered the perspective of his mother when she recieved a terminal diagnosis. "Thank you Jesus, because now they won't be able to take credit when You heal me." Well, thank you Jesus, because we certainly won't be able to take credit when you provide.
God, please help me model to Caleb what it looks like to really trust. Please give me joy in the journey, please constantly affirm that I am taking the right steps, please show me how to pray, please show me what steps to take so that I use my time wisely, please work in James' heart so that we are in agreement, and please provide for us. You are asking me to give up something really big, something I worked really hard for. Please assure me that what you have for me is even better.
I know my kids will only be little once; I don't want to leave them fifty hours a week. I don't think God wants me to...but sometimes it would be nice to have specifics.
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