Our physical and mental health is clearly entwined, and I would go so far as to say our spiritual lives factor in as well. This year, I just seem to get more and more exhausted. It is all I can do to put away laundry or get dressed or go for a walk. It isn't laziness; it is all-over mind-numbing fatigue. I almost fell asleep in church today; I haven't done that in years. Of course I realize that getting up with the kids 7-10 times a night factors in, but something else occurred to me while I was doing the dishes after church. The first time fatigue took over my life was my senior year of high school. I was a coming off my most successful swimming season ever, and suddenly I couldn't get out of bed. I ran fevers frequently, and sometimes slept twenty hours a day. Blood test after blood test found nothing; the vague diagnosis was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Finally, after battling the inevitable for a semester (and spending a lot of my parents money), I quit swimming. You know. My first love. Walked away. And I started to feel better; holding on to that thing I needed to let go of had sapped my spirit and my energy. With my time and my life opening up, God began to pour new good things into me: some permanent, some for a season. I hadn't been able to imagine my life without my sport, but when I found it, it was amazing. And healthy.
Fast forward to my junior year of college. Same fatigue. Same sickness. Crippling depression. An uneasy knot rolling around in my stomach. I don't remember a whole lot, so extreme was my overload. I was leading Young Life...doing undeniably good work. And finally, after many semesters of bad news, I was figuring out my academic calling. But that nudge was there; I confessed to my mentor that I felt like God was saying Young Life was not my place anymore. I wanted it to be my place, but I couldn't shake the feeling. She cried too, said she hated to lose me, and then gave me the grace to walk away. I felt so empty; again, Young Life was my whole life. It was the good in me. And it was gone. And again, life opened up. God gave me new experiences and new perspectives, and the following year He showed me how teaching could be my new path. I was blessed.
Several years later, I was dating a guy. A good guy. The sort of guy there was no good reason to break up with. He wanted to get married. So did I, although I now realize I wanted to get married, but not to him. The feeling returned. My body would tingle. My heart would race. A panic attack put me in the hospital. I was tired all the time again. I found another counselor for my anxiety and depression. I almost broke up with him, but logic spoke too loudly. God gave me women who told me about failed first marriages, who spoke of walking down the aisle thinking they were making the worst mistake of their lives. One told me point blank: "If your heart is making you this unsettled, you need to get yourself out, girl." Still, I stayed in that relationship for TWO YEARS before I let it go. Two years of emotional anguish, and then a painful break-up when he finally realized the same thing I'd been feeling all along. The emptiness gutted me again. Who was I? How could I start over? It turns out starting over was healthy, and energizing, and God met me there in ways I never expected. A little over a year later, I had a new home and a new marriage and a new path in life.
Which brings me to now, and this depression/exhaustion/stress THING that has me in knots. Again. Looking back on my past experience, there are a few things that stand out. One is that I had to let something go before I had space for something new. And I didn't let it go gracefully. Ever. My situation now is much harder because there are five people involved, and I can't walk away from more than half our income without my husband being enthusiastically on board. So I am waiting for that and praying for that, but I'm not brave enough to step out without him.
Also, the thing I've had to give up has always been, on the surface, a good thing. A good sport. A good volunteer organization. A good guy. None of those were bad things, but they weren't good for me anymore. God's purposing for all of us is unique, and just because I see other people thriving doesn't mean I have to thrive the same way. Teaching has been a good fit for me for many years. I did a lot of good in the classroom, but that doesn't mean God wants me to stay there for fifteen more years.
Finally, there were almost always two stressor points, and I once I let go of the right thing, the other stressor fell into line. When I let go of Young Life, school was a source of joy and not stress. When I let go of Trevor, teaching became something I excelled at. What does that mean now? Will letting go of my job help iron out the wrinkles in our marriage? Because our marriage is the biggest reason I'm afraid to let go of teaching.
I think I know what I need to do. What I will ultimately do. I just don't know how to get from here to there.
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