I am quite sure there is no joy quite like what you feel
when you fulfill the desires of your child’s heart. For the past month, I got the same response every
time I asked Caleb what he wanted for his birthday. “I want Rocky from Paw Patrol, with a truck
that has lights and noises.” Now we
haven’t watched Paw Patrol in probably nine months, so I was pretty confused by
his request. I kept asking, thinking
that it was a fluke thing. His answer
never varied. Think Ralphie in A Christmas Story, only Caleb never
copped to the football. Finally I
decided that since it was HIS birthday gift, the right thing to do was to honor
his request. I guess I should be
grateful that he wasn’t asking for a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the
stock, and this thing that tells time, because the answer would have been
markedly different. Fortunately, Rocky
is cheap and well within our budget from Amazon, so I ordered it.
Fast-forward
to this morning, Caleb’s first morning as a four-year-old. I cannot tell you how excited he was. He literally hovered over the floor,
vibrating with excitement. “Mommy, am I
four now? Am I really four?” I am quite convinced that no child ever has
been so excited about a birthday. His
dad pointed out the presents stacked up on the buffet. I had planned to let him open the book this
morning, but his dad let him open the present of his choice. He grabbed the biggest package (because, of
course) and tore into it. “Mommy, it’s
ROCKY!!!!” he squealed. I couldn’t get
that toy out of the package quickly enough.
He opened the back hatch, lifted the front, drove it up and down the
hall and through the kitchen, watching the headlights illuminate the wall. He begged to show it to Miss Sue at school,
so I let him bring it under the condition that it could not stay. I listened to garbage truck sounds all the
way to school, and watched the headlights light up his face in the rear-view
mirror. As if anything could compare to
the glow he already had. Miss Sue
obligingly asking appropriate questions and admired his treasure, oohing and
ahhhing over the place where the garbage goes and the lifelike sounds. Eventually, Caleb agreed that Rocky could
leave with me, but only if I took him to school and kept an eye on him. So here I am, at a high school, with a Paw
Patrol toy on my desk. My students find
it hilarious, but that little toy makes me happy every time I look at it. Why?
Because I was able to give my little guy the desire of his heart, and my
heart soars every time I think of his unfiltered joy.
It is
moments like this where I feel God nudge my heart. For years (like, all my life) I have
struggled to “feel” God’s love the way other people describe. I want to feel it, to be impacted and wrecked
and brought to my knees. But I am so
jaded, so hardened, that I simply can’t imagine God wanting to fulfill my
desires. Desires are bad, right? They are meant to be denied, thwarted,
concealed. Acknowledging that I have a
desire is like asking for rejection; I keep my heart hidden so it can’t be
hurt. Admitting that God has possibly
given me those desires is even harder. But
God has set himself up as this amazing father, and good fathers delight in
their children. The only – truly the
only time – my heart begins to grasp my Father’s love is when it bubbles over
with love for my children. Is it
possible that God delights in my joy the way I delight in Caleb’s birthday
morning surprise? Is it possible that
God has given me these children to teach my heart to feel His love?
If Caleb
is a picture of the love my Father has for me, I am far too hardened in my
faith, far too hardened by throwing my hands up to protect from blows that
never come…that were never even threatened, far too hardened to anticipate
anything but pain. My father promises to
give good gifts, and I expect curses.
What tiny faith I have. “You
fathers, if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake
instead? Or if they ask for an egg, do
you give them a scorpion? Of course
not! So if you sinful parents know how
to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father
give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him.”
I pray
that I can become as childlike as my little boy, asking my Father in hope,
waiting in expectation, and delighting when God provides. Only He can soften my heart, so that I can offer
my delight – my joy – as a sacrifice of praise.
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