Cleaning the Windshield

On the way home from Summit Park on Saturday, we stopped to get gas and James washed the front windshield. I’d like to tell you I do this regularly, but Eli’s reaction should tell you all you need to know.

                “Mommy, what is he doing to our window?  I CAN’T SEE!!!!  How are we going to drive if we can’t see out the window?” 

                “Buddy, he’s going wipe off the soap and water when he’s finished, and then we’ll be able to see even better than before.”  Eli still looked doubtful, so I told him, “Watch.  Tell me when you can see.” 

                Sure enough, wipe by wipe, the house adjacent to the gas station began to materialize in front of us, clear and bright through the transformed glass.

                Cleaning is messy stuff; sometimes things look a whole lot worse before they get better.  I feel like I’m buried under the mess right now.  The future is obscured by a thick layer of suds and grime, and I can’t make out even glimmers of a future I can hope for.  Life lately has been messy (literally and figuratively…because when am I supposed to clean this house?), and I am exhausted and discouraged.  Caleb’s tantrums have returned with a vengeance, Eli is trying to make sense of these changes by asserting himself, Violet just needs me all the time, and I am exhausted and stretched too thin.  There’s nothing left to cut and no one to ask for help.   At any given moment, all I’m thinking about are all the things that have yet to be done.  The quiet time and space to reflect that marked my recent months is gone, and my spirit and soul are dry.  I hate the mother I have become, but I can’t find the strength to be any better.

                God, you promise to make all things beautiful in Your time.  I beg you to make our family  beautiful.  And please make me beautiful again, instead of this shell of hurt and pain that I’m living in.  I cannot do this on my own, but You are a God who specializes in healing the broken, in making the dirty clean again.  You can resurrect this life we’re living.  Please help me.