Mean Mommy

Last night, Caleb dragged his Razor scooter up to the main floor so that he and Eli could practice their skills in the air conditioning.  They had a nice course set up: down the hallway, turn around in Violet’s room, turn right into the kitchen, circle through the dining room, then down the hallway again.  They were taking turns nicely, and Eli even changed into his Batman costume so his cape could blow in the wind as he blew by.  All was going well until Violet finished eating and I put her down on the floor.  A month ago, when I could put her down and she STAYED there, this would not have been a problem.  But now she takes off as soon as she hits the ground.

“You may not use the scooter in the same room as your sister.”

Caleb ignored me, flying down the hallway where Violet was eagerly heading to meet him.  He grazed her toe, causing an explosion of tears, no actual injury, and motivating a certain mean mommy to confiscate the scooter until baby girl’s bedtime.  That caused another explosion of tears (from a kid whose name begins with “C”) and declarations that mommy is so, so mean.

Am I mean?  No.  My first job is to keep all my kiddos safe, even little ones who crawl places they shouldn’t.  My second job is to teach them to look out for others.  Caleb needed some teaching, so I put the scooter in the garage so he wouldn’t be tempted to go for another ride.  I fully intended to get it out again once Violet went to bed because playing on the scooter is good, healthy play, and they were by and large doing it in an appropriate way.  However, Caleb’s perspective is limited by his age, understanding, and experience.  And his immediate experience told him that Mommy took away his super fun toy.  Therefore, Mommy must be mean.

I am quite certain many of my misconceptions of God come from that same place.  My immediate experience tells me something about God that is totally contradictory to His word, and I believe my experience.  My current reality tells me that God does not answer prayer, He does not give good gifts, He does not keep his promises.  I’m back at work.  The kids are at daycare.  Every day finds my patience spent by the time I get the kids home, my body is exhausted, and the only time I get with my babies is colored by my frustration and hurry.  It is NOT good.  But Hebrews 10:23 tells me that He who promised is faithful.  Matthew 7:11 tells me that God gives good gifts.  1 John 5:14-15 tells me that He will give me whatever I ask.  If I believe God is calling me to be a writer, I have to lean into his promise and keep asking.  If I believe that God wants me to be at home raising my kids, I need to keep praying.  I lack the perspective to know why He hasn’t answered my prayers yet, so I have to continue believing what His word tells me about His character. 

Today I am meditating on these three verses and praying for God to show my heart who He truly is.  And the scooter will probably stay on punishment in the garage.