Impossible

Last night was hard.  Today has been hard.  Circumstances are crappy: the kids are eating crap, they aren’t sleeping worth crap, they meltdown from the moment I pick them up until they (finally) fall asleep.  Sweet Violet was up screaming at 4 am.  All she wants is her mommy.  She doesn’t understand why mommy is suddenly not there.  Months of hard work to create routine, to help Caleb find control, to get Violet on a schedule: gone.  Just gone.  I am broken because all that work really was for nothing.  I am broken because my kids are broken and that is not ok.  (You can tell me it is.  I know it isn’t.)  The teaching part is not the problem; I can do it in my sleep.  The problem is what happens to my family when I teach.  And what happens to the bank account when I don’t.

And because I was tired and all introverted-out, and because Caleb was screaming and refusing to stay in bed and because Violet was screaming because she can’t get out of bed (for an hour and a half, folks), I lost my mind.  I was not glue that holds us together…I was even more anger and instability in our day.  Because my resources were completely tapped out.  When I dropped the kids off at daycare this morning, Violet was screaming and reaching for me and she would not stop.  Her screams followed me down the steps, until the door slammed behind me.  Please do not tell me this is good for kids.  Please do not tell me they benefit from a mom who works.  I know better.

Part of the reason I struggle to hold it together is because I believe putting on a smiling face is saying this is OK.  If I look on the bright side, it feels like saying “This is our forever.”  And I can’t bear that.  But we still have to get through this, with as little collateral damage to the children as possible.  It is my job to acknowledge that this is not what I hope for our family, but it is our right now, we have to get through it, and this is how.  I just need help.  I need that acknowledgement that this is temporary.  Someday our situation will improve.  But what if it doesn’t?

It is flat out impossible for us to find a way for me to be at home next month, or even next year.  I have been up since four AM; it is impossible for my tired heart to hold back the tears.  Everything good is impossible.  And so today, while I wonder what my babies are doing while I sit at my desk, these words are written on my wall:

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible.  But with God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26)

Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” (Luke 18:27)

For nothing is impossible with God.  (Luke 1:37)

Today I am too hurting and broken and guilty to see you, God.  And I certainly can’t see how you look at me.  In spite of my circumstances, please show my heart that you are a God who can and does defeat “impossible.”