My bracelet fell off.
No, not my Pandora bracelet.
(Calm down, Mom.) I mean the
little piece of rope that I tied around my wrist during the Brave experience in
April, the reminder that I am tethered to God much like a ship is tethered to
the sail. The reminder that He is guiding
me through the storm, that I am not in charge of charting my own course.
When I first tied it on, it the two loose pieces created by
the knot constantly tickled my wrist. I
cut them down and they still tickled.
But after weeks of showers and swimming pools and little fingers tugging
at the rope, the loose ends were absorbed into the rest of the band and it just
became this smooth thing that was always there.
I glanced at it often, each time sending a subliminal pang to my brain;
it became an extension of me.
Of course, a tiny piece of rope is no match for my daily
life, and I noticed it was becoming thin and frail, almost like a piece of
thread. About a week ago, I marveled
that it was holding on at all and considered stealing my husband’s rope from
the floor of his car. And then there I
was in class, and it brushed my pinky as it fell to the floor.
My immediate thought was panic. Two weeks before I have to go back to
school. Two weeks from D-day and my
tether falls off! What kind of omen is
that? (I do not believe in superstition,
but my mind really wants to. The
struggle is real.) I tucked it in my
school bag and started the hike to my car.
As I was pulling out of the parking lot, worrying, I felt these
words. You do not need the rope anymore.
The rope was only a symbol; the real tether is between your heart and
mine, and you have let me tie it firmly in place during these months of
struggle. Breathe. Your heart is seeking mine; we are starting a
new leg in this journey. I am working
even now.
I want to tell myself that I am putting these words in my
own mind, but that is not how my mind works.
My mind sees the broken symbol and assumes the worst. My mind has spent the last week so agonized
that it forgot to tell my body to be hungry.
(Side note: great diet, in all the wrong ways.) It has been ping-ponging back and forth
between hope and despair and possible solutions and worst-case scenarios. It has been wondering how on earth to find
rest with a deadline taunting just days away.
And suddenly? My mind found
rest. My heart found joy. God is working. If we have to do daycare, it won’t be forever…maybe
not even for the school year. God will
be there even in that.
I have no idea where this came from, and I’d be lying if I
didn’t tell you the old ways of thinking are still trying to fight to the
surface. But they aren’t winning. It was like God said, “This is finished.” And He flipped a switch.
Absolutely nothing has changed in our situation. I don’t know what is next. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know when or how God will redeem the
cry of my heart. What I do know is that
for a moment he answered my prayer. I
saw His face. And it was good.
Taste and see that the
Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him. Psalm 34:8
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