It Ain't Over Yet

               I know it ain’t over ‘till it’s over, but it certainly seems over.  I have one month, and then I’ll lay down my big dreams and my faith (and all confidence in my ability to ‘hear’ from God), hand my children over to a nanny that might or might not be old enough to drive, and head back to teaching so that I can justify my existence with a paycheck.  I choose to believe that God is good.  It just doesn’t feel like it.

                But not all is dour.  Some thoughts come to mind as I reflect on the past few months.  They are jumbled and random, but here goes:

-I’ve learned a ton, both about what teaching looks like at the college level, and perhaps more importantly, the writing/editing/publishing world.  I’ve met with people and talked to people, I’m working on a website, and my resume actually looks like I know what I’m doing.  I’ve figured out how to add hyperlinks (kind of my new favorite thing), strikethroughs, and images to text.  I am starting to stalk writing job boards, I know which publishers interest me, and I’m honing in on the type of writing I love to do.  I don’t expect to publish a book; but perhaps making a living this way will be possible.  Most people are kind.  They are helpful.  I am so grateful.

-I know that teaching is probably not my calling anymore.  That’s not exactly a good thing to admit a month before I return to the classroom full-time, but it is true.  It both saddens and excites me.  I gave some good years to the profession, and I’m proud of that.  And now I need to find a way to move on and still feed my kids.

-Of the jobs that I’m working on right now, the one that lights up and excites me is the writing I’m doing for Kids’ Club.  I love work that puts me in God’s word, letting me hear from Him and putting that down on paper.  I wish I could somehow do that and get paid.  I also wish somehow that I was experiencing the miracles I am writing about.

-When I’m writing, I feel energized.  That’s a good sign that I’m pushing in the right direction, even if it doesn’t seem like it is going to blossom into something bigger anytime soon.

-A woman who chooses to raise children and keep a house should never, ever have to justify her existence or her lack of a salary.  It is hard, hard work and the payoff often doesn’t show up until years down the road.

-The home of a woman who is focused on raising her kids might just resemble a three-ring-circus.  Not because she isn’t working hard, but because she is working harder at things eternal.

-Even though going back to work makes me feel like I’ve lost ownership over my family, I will not choose to parent from that perspective.  My kids will learn from me the value of working hard, even when you don’t want to.

-I have to take care of myself; that means standing up for my needs for rest and peace, and I will do that from here on.  I have survived this far; God will sustain me.

-I am nothing special.  My writing talent is average.  Many people have better credentials than me.  The voice in my head reminds me over and over, and it probably knows what it is talking about.  But that doesn’t mean God can’t use me, and it doesn’t mean I should close the computer and go to bed.  (Although that stupid voice in my head suggests that I should.)

-My first writing paycheck made me feel pretty darn awesome.  Even if it was, as James pointed out, not nearly enough to meet our needs.

-I no longer have a problem buying clothes at a thrift store.  In fact, I think I’m a consignment girl from now on.  Also, I’m going to do the capsule wardrobe thing just as soon as I figure out what size I’ll be.  Clothes just aren’t worth the worry and the effort anymore, and they don’t deserve the best of my attention. 

-My soul is downcast within me, but I still have hope.  God’s compassions are new every morning.  I cling to this.

See?  Pretty gosh darn random.