Not "Safe" at Home

Just a friendly reminder that not everyone is “safe” at home.

For many women and children, this quarantine is not a chance to sit and home and watch Netflix. It’s being locked in a prison with their abuser. In the best of times, women who live with verbal and emotional abusers develop a “safety” network: extracurricular activities where they can be away from the abuser for awhile, relationships with friends that balance and bring normality to their existence, and even safe houses – places where they can go when things escalate at home.

I had an impressive system in place myself, although I didn’t realize it. That system depended on my husband being at work...and on our ability to go elsewhere when he was home.

Suddenly, he’s working from home. And we can’t go anywhere. I have no idea what to do when he goes blank, when he screams, when he threatens. I can’t pack up and go to a friend’s house now. I can’t go to the gym for an hour of peace. I can’t take the kids to the park when he’s angry because they’re too loud. I am trapped…looking the abuse full in the face. One friend was helpful enough to point out that God is using this to sanctify me.

Right.

I get criticized from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. If I wash the dishes he left out after preparing his last meal, and they happen to be in the dishwasher when he wants to prepare the next one, I’m fucking unbelievable. If the ants come back after I sprayed them and they were gone for a week, I’m the most inept person on the planet. If I won’t take a spur-of-the-moment trip to the beach with him because, I dunno, the beaches are closed…I’m always ruining his fun. If I work, I’m neglecting my children. If I’m with the children, I’m lazy. I cannot sit down and watch a show on TV because he would not approve. And if I read a book, I’m just wasting time. There’s no possible way to win.

Every time our government extends the time frame, or conjectures that it could be months, something in me dies. It’s the first time I’ve considered suicide this strongly. If this is my life…maybe forever…dying from coronavirus seems like a vastly better option.

It’s so selfish…I know…to take an out when my children would have to keep living with it.

It’s always the fault of the woman being abused…the abuser isn’t to blame. Certainly not the family court system that won’t let her leave without leaving her children behind. Definitely not.

I’m just saying…I’m not sure I can make it until May.