To My Father-In-Law

My FIL called me the other day, hurting from an altercation with his son. I'm tired of lies and excuses, and I told him all about the hell we are living. It's almost constant now, with James refusing to even speak to me unless the kids are around. Who knows what I did now. He's taken his wedding ring off...maybe he's pursing someone new.
Guess what? She can HAVE him.

Anyway, I had a lot of jumbled thoughts during that conversation with my FIL, and I finally put them together in written form. I doubt it will be taken well because I honestly don't believe him when he says he's changed. (Believe patterns, not words, after all.)

But still...he needs to hear it from someone. Maybe I'm the one to say it?

What do you think? Should I send it?

Dear G,

You asked me the other day if there was anything you could do. And I didn’t know how to articulate my thoughts then, but after some thought, here they are.

I told you at the time that the counselors deemed James’ behavior to likely be borderline personality disorder and probably narcissistic personality disorder. I hoped at the time that you would do some research on those conditions, but based on your comment that revealed you didn’t even remember the names, it’s clear you haven’t. So, I’m going to tell you a little bit.

Yes, there’s a strong biological component to narcissism on paper. But whether it’s actually biological is debatable. One thing that men, in particular, who suffer from these Cluster B disorders have in common is that very often they lack a man to help them make that leap from thinking like a boy to thinking like a man. Basically, in their teens, when they need someone to model and coach character, that person either isn’t there or doesn’t know how to do it. Based on what I’ve heard about James’ teen years, that certainly seems to be true. He absolutely can’t understand why he should do something for someone else without getting something in return. “What’s in it for me?” is his usual question. He can’t understand that someone with character should not waffle on the truth. Abortion can be wrong for the masses and then right when he doesn’t want the third baby his wife is carrying. He judges people for having slovenly houses and leaves his trash and laundry everywhere for me to pick up. He thinks like a middle school boy because no one commanded his respect and showed him how it should be done…and why.

Instead, every time he screws up a job and money gets tight, he orders me back to work. He spends whatever he pleases on himself and denies me clothes that fit. Instead of loving his wife and kids like Christ loves the church (Ephesians 6), he orders me to submit to his torture. He doesn’t know any differently. He’s a boy, and his objective is to get what he wants. If he doesn’t, he loses his mind and screams and yells and curses and breaks things and tells lies.

When I spoke to you the other day, you did not hesitate to throw C and Papaw under the bus. I’m under no delusions about Papaw, believe me. But I’ve also had 15 years now to observe you and C, and I don’t believe words. I believe behavior. I see hasty, emotional decisions. I see her working her fingers to the bone while you play. I see a failure to do what needs to be done to care for your wife and family while you’re alive and after you’re gone. I see a lot of blame – that’s not the first time you’ve blamed Charles for the way your children turned out. But Charles wouldn’t have been a factor in your lives had you been a good provider and a good money manager. You have to own that yourself. She may very well struggle tremendously with depression, but having lived with your son, I’m going to say that’s not all her fault.

The scripture is clear and counselors back it up. The man has to be under God’s headship, and when he is, everything falls into place. When a marriage and family lands in crisis, it is almost always because the man isn’t submitting to God. The result is tremendous fallout. My counselor has again and again told me James behaves like a child who grew up in foster care. She was shocked to hear that he grew up in an intact family. But the more she hears about James’ childhood, the more she understands. Incidentally, Amy’s counselor told her basically the same thing: she has the spirit of an orphan. Again, having observed this family for 15 years, I’m not surprised. There’s a lot I don’t say. The brokenness is appalling, but not nearly as much as the refusal to own responsibility.

James never learned to say, “I’m sorry” and really mean it. “I’m sorry” always comes with a million reasons he was justified and a demand to offer forgiveness (ie. What he wants). That’s not an apology. An apology owns the wrong and asks, “How can I make it better?” James doesn’t know how to apologize because you never modeled it for him. You. Not Cindy. Not Charles. You. I know this because I’ve watched for patterns, not words. The patterns tell me all I need to know.

If you want to make a difference, and if you want any chance of saving your son and his family, you’ll start with a no-strings-attached apology. For failing to provide. For having fun when you should have manned up and cared for your family. For failing to discipline G Jr. and protect James. For failing to master your temper. For failure to consider the result of your words…for failing to praise the unique qualities of each child instead of making them all starved for genuine love.

Your apology can’t have any reasons attached. Or demands. You cannot feel sorry for yourself and the fractured relationship you have with your son. You don’t get pity for that…you created it. The victims here are my kids, whose lives are being destroyed because of a monster you created.

I realize maybe you didn’t fully create it. By all accounts, it seems to have started with your father, and maybe before that. But you have to own your own decisions. I have to own mine (and believe me, I’ve spent a lot of time praying through the disobedience and lack of trust in God that landed me here, because I have to learn from my mistakes, too). James has to own his, but it’s unlikely that he will unless you model it.

So if you want to make it right, start by asking God what you need to sincerely apologize for. And start by apologizing to James and asking what you can do to make things right. And then start doing them. Faithfully. Without considering what you want or what’s best for you or demanding respect as his father.

Maybe if you do that, James will find the courage to do the same.

Again, some deep reading on narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder will probably help. Counseling from a professional would also be beneficial. Most of these things are rooted in deep fears of rejection and abandonment…so deep that the person doesn’t believe they exist. In one of the counseling sessions before we quit, James opened up and revealed a lot of the depth of his anguish. You can either decide to defend your honor or be vulnerable to God and start the healing. It’s up to you.

You told me on the phone that you’ve changed. The way you receive this will tell me whether that’s true. It’s written in love, because your whole family is deeply wounded. If it sounds brash, it’s probably because I watch my kids suffer every day from the results of your decisions. They deserve better. And so do your kids. And frankly, so do you…because I’m sure it runs in the family

Nonetheless, this is where it runs out. If you won’t do it and James won’t do it, I’ll make sure my children have a fighting chance at a different life. This is not what God called us to, I know that for sure.