An Update on Trust

The Bible spends a lot of time comparing God to a Father, which I always sort of assumed was for the benefit of children. I mean, obviously a child needs a frame of reference for God, so God says, “Here you go…this is something you’ll understand.” Deep down inside, I kind of wondered what that felt like for kids who didn’t have dads, or kids whose dads were loads of crap. My own dad was pretty spectacular…so spectacular that I was more inclined to trust him to come through for me than I was to lean on God. Dad was always a phone call away.

Then, early on a February morning, in between two rounds of Cincinnati snow storms, a nurse handed me my own little baby boy. And at that moment, my heart for God began to change. See, as children we only understand so much of what our parents do. We hear our parents say that discipline is for our own good, but deep down we suspect it’s punishment. We hear our parents say that they’re planning something good for us, and we expect a letdown. Our parents, even the amazing ones, are only human after all. And our childlike brains can only understand so much.

But as a parent, I suddenly see God in a whole new light. I regularly test my own kids, to see if they have faith in me. I’ll bundle them all into the car and they’ll beg to know where we’re going. And just for fun, I won’t answer them. “Do you trust me?” I like to ask.

Well, no, they don’t trust me. It turns out I drive the car to Hobby Lobby far too often, and Hobby Lobby is the seventh level of Hell. It means following my cart around while I sip on coffee and stare for too long at all the beautiful things. They could care less about beautiful things, unless they are Star Wars scale models. And we don’t look at those.

And so they whine and complain and get all worked up into hysterics while I use my gift card in the Starbucks drive-through, and I get all hot and bothered and mad that my children are so very ungrateful. Then we go to Sci Works. Because Sci-Works is just about the most amazing place in the world, besides the beach. And then I ask them again, “Do you trust me?”

And they kind of hang their heads and look sheepish and mutter, “Yes. Sorry.” As they should.

And God knocks on the corner of my heart and says, “Where do you think they learned this?”

And I hang my head and mutter, “Sorry.”

Because now that I’m a parent, I see myself more clearly.

On the days between December 10 and December 15, while we waiting to see if James would have a job or not…and on the days after December 15, when we knew he did not, I have been no different than my tantrum-throwing children anticipating a trip to Hobby Lobby. Except that I’m not expecting Hobby Lobby because I’d actually be really excited about that. I’ve been envisioning our savings disappearing. I’ve been envisioning months without a job or an income. I’ve been trying to figure out how I can close the gap. I’ve been panicking about doctor’s appointments and dentist appointments scheduled for February because without insurance, they’ll pretty much drain our savings. I’ve been envisioning James sitting at home, not even knowing where to begin. I’ve been envisioning phones that didn’t ring, having to work full-time while homeschooling the kids, losing our house, splitting up, moving with the kids into my mom’s house. My best-case scenario involves a new job that pays a fraction of what he made before and never going to the beach again. My brain has been BUSY. No wonder I’m so tired.

And through about a thousand different Bible verses, God has been saying “trust me”. He has promised that He is starting a new thing, that He will make streams in the desert, that He is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or think. I didn’t think to ask for a lot. I was afraid to ask for even a little.

And so, while we wait, He’s provided a way for the kids to keep swimming. He’s provided multiple contacts for James. He’s provided friends who check on me every few days. He’s provided reminders of the ways He’s provided in the past. I’m still struggling with the desire to hedge my bets, but it feels like we are heading somewhere good. Somewhere we wouldn’t have thought to venture if things had kept plodding along like they were.

Thank goodness God is a far better parent than me. He has a purpose for this. Just like I want my kids to grow in the way they trust me (because I hope that will eventually translate to trusting God), He knows that this exact thing is what scared me the most. And He is walking me through it. Maybe He’ll help me release that stronghold to Him…because it’s been a stronghold for most of my life. I went so far as to say I’d never be a stay at home mom because I didn’t want to be in precisely this situation.

But I love being a stay-at-home mom.

He knew that, too. And He made it happen in a way I couldn’t even imagine.

When I started this blog, just three years ago, I had pretty much zero trust. It held me back. It stole my joy.

I have a long way to go, but I think the way I relate to God has changed just a little bit. I hope so. Each day that I try to teach my children to trust me, I find it just a little easier to trust the perfect Father. The one who has promised to meet all my needs. Even the needs I don’t know I have.