How Now?

I had to wear a belt today.

Seriously, I didn’t want to, but I needed one. 

I ran 8.5 miles on Saturday.  Some people, namely my husband, might not be that impressed.  But folks, in January I couldn’t run two without stopping to walk.  And then there were some weeks where I couldn’t walk at all because the shin and leg pain was so excruciating.  Now, here we are a month out from the half-marathon, and I logged eighteen miles last week.  And I (mostly) liked it.  After months of work with no pay, I’m down thirteen pounds, hence the pants that no longer fit. 

I really wanted to be OK being heavier; I don’t think body image should rule our lives.  But I was tired and miserable and depression had settled in to stay.  I didn’t think I’d ever run again, and now here I am.

It started with a small thing: one set of weights every morning, a spinach smoothie instead of carbs, a “yes” to an invitation to go running.  It meant running through some painful moments, and showing up and trying again.  It meant making time when I wanted to sleep.  It was sacrifice.

But I also noticed that my mood is (slightly) more stable when I’m running.  And I walk with more spring in my step (when I’m not too sore).  The euphoria of seeing the numbers drop on the scale is something I didn’t expect. 

I don’t begin to think I did this on my own.  God provided me with opportunities so I could say yes.  He healed me.  He gave me accountability.  He sustained my body to do things I didn’t think it could.  He showed me the value in perseverance.

Sometimes being brave just means saying yes, showing up, and doing your best.  I’m choosing to believe that our move will follow the same path.  It is really hard right now.  We need to get our house sold, preferably before this weekend when we’ll be scouting new houses.  We need the money from the old house to get the new one.  We need to stop looking back and keep looking forward, unwavering.  James has compared this move to a long, painful breakup with our hometown.  It seems like time to rip off the band-aid.  I prayed that God will confirm that we are on the right path by providing a buyer for our home before this weekend.  But what if he doesn’t?  This morning I opened my email to a note offering me an ongoing blogging position, much like the one I have in Cincinnati.  Is that confirmation?  I have a meeting this week about an ongoing freelance job.  Is that confirmation?  I’ve found a running buddy and a homeschool resource.  Is that confirmation?  Yet none of this can happen if we don’t sell our house on Scenic View.  I suppose God know that, too, and He will make a way.  Time is ticking, and it is ticking fast.  How will He work this time?

In this season where I’m seeing fruit from many of my small (and large) yesses, I have to keep saying yes.  I have to keep doing hard things.  I have to keep cleaning the house for showings.  I have to keep engaging my husband in conversations about the new house.  (This is much harder than it seems.)  I have to keep filling out loan paperwork and trusting that the money will be there.  I have to keep following God’s promptings; the latest seemed like an invitation to mentor college-aged women.  What am I to make of that? 

I am walking a delicate balance between waiting on God and making a plan.  I’m not sure I’m walking it well, but I’m trying to remember the times He has provided…often unexpectedly…in the past.  He can do the same again.  I believe it.