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I saw her in the drop-off line, right after I kissed my
kindergartener goodbye at the door.
Skinny, clad in expensive work-out gear, Starbucks in hand as she kissed
a little one goodbye and climbed back into her gleaming Lexus SUV. One glance and I forgot how delighted I was
to actually get to drop my kiddo off at school instead of sprinting off to work
at the crack of dawn. I forgot his sweet
kiss, and his delight that he got to “teach” me the drop-off process. I forgot about the sweet baby girl at home, celebrating her first birthday. I forgot that I am a treasured daughter of
God, a daughter who is loved in spite of what I can or can’t do. Instead, a toxic mix of envy and condemnation
gripped my soul. She inadvertently hit
all my trigger points: the baby weight I’m struggling to lose, my desire to be
at home with my kids, and my inability to afford it no matter how much I cut
from the budget. The ugliest part of my soul began to speak. She has the money to stay home with her kids, work out, buy overpriced coffee, and
drive a nice car. Her husband certainly
appreciates what she does at home. Maybe
that’s because she’s still skinny and looks so put together. God certainly loves her more than you. Maybe if you worked harder, you’d look like
that. Maybe if you were a better parent,
you would have been given that opportunity.
Why are you always such a mess?
Such an embarrassment? What a
foolish decision it was to take the day off work.
Since you have nothing worthwhile to contribute, you can at least go
earn some money. And with that, all the
hopes, prayers, and dreams I have been clinging to these last few months evaporated from my heart. I was back to not-good-enough. The same
not-good-enough I’ve been my whole life.
The same not-good-enough I will seemingly always be. What a
fool you've been to hope that God has something better for you.
I suspect my friends who struggle with infertility feel this
way every time they see a blossoming belly, and my friends who desperately want
to be married hear that same voice with every engagement announcement: it might
be classified as envy, but it so much more.
It is the voice of condemnation that tells us we are foolish to hope…that
we have earned our lot in life…that God has not heard our prayer because we
haven’t earned His attention yet. It is
a voice designed to turn our gaze from our loving Father and center it on our
pain.
I don’t know how to silence the envy and the condemnation,
but God gives us clear words to speak back to them. Romans 8:1 tells me “There is no condemnation
for those who belong to Jesus Christ.”
None. No condemnation for the
laundry that has been sitting in the dryer since last week. No condemnation for the Reese’s Peanut Butter
Cup I ate instead of carrots and hummus.
No condemnation for the time I forgot to wave to my three-year-old on my
way out of daycare and he sulked until breakfast. I might feel terrible about
my shortcomings, but they don’t change God’s divine purpose for my life. They don’t cause Him to delight in me any
less. And they don’t cause Him to curse
me to a life of never-good-enough…because it never was about how good I am to begin with.
My sole purpose on earth is to glorify and obey my Father,
not to keep up with my fellow moms. “For
I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for
disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
(Jeremiah 29:11) I don’t understand what God is doing right now. The only place I can see him moving is in my
heart, and it is painful, exhausting, slow-going movement.
But God tells me that He is in these circumstances and His plan for me
is good. My goal isn’t to be good enough
or better than…it is to be the woman He created me to be, and I can do that only by
keeping my gaze fixed firmly on Him.
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