Get Your Own

So this was published anonymously on Cincinnati Mom's Blog.  For obvious reasons.

Why I Won't Be the Mom from A Christmas Story Anymore

I Wish

Name the thing you most wish you could change about your husband.

The article suggested choosing just one, in case I’d had time to come up with a laundry list of grievances.

This took me longer than you’d think.  I mean, sure I had an immediate list: the refusal to help with household responsibilities, the work ethic that isn’t what I’d hope, the temper, the stinginess, the unwillingness to let us have friends, for heaven’s sake.  OK, so it was a long list.  But what is the one thing that stands out above the rest?

I wish he would love me.  Really love me.  I wish he would cherish me.  I wish he could see some value in me, beyond all the ways I don’t measure up.  I wish he would care enough about my heart that he would strive to protect it instead of hurting it.  I wish he would say my name like a blessing, not a curse.  I wish he would celebrate the best parts of me.  I wish he would want to provide for me.  I wish he would consider my spirit and my calling.  I wish he cared to honor my gifts.  I wish he would give me a gift that is truly a gift, not an obligation he has to fulfill.  I wish he would complement me, even when there’s nothing to be gained.  I wish I could feel safe with him.  I wish I could be myself with him.  I wish he didn’t list me as the sole reason for all the misery in his life.  I wish I was more than a servant to be managed and used to get things done.  I wish I wasn’t so utterly alone.  I really just wish he could love me.

I think love goes a long way in helping people bridge their differences, and I’m not sure we’ve ever had it.  I mean, I adored him for a long time.  I made excuses and kept reinventing myself to match his specifications.  But did he love me?  I remember thinking I was strong enough to love him; that’s probably a good sign that he didn’t. 

I am trying to stay because I want to honor the vows I took.  I am trying to stay because I don’t want my kids to live in two different homes.  I am trying to stay because I don’t want them to navigate his tricky moods on their own.  I know that I can leave, but my children can’t…so I stay and I pray.  Sometimes I get glimmers of hope, but lately it has just been hurt.

The thing about relationships is you can’t hope to change the other person, which is one thing if you’re battling over which way the toilet paper goes on the roll.  This is a whole different ballgame that I’m playing over here, but the rules stay the same.

God's ways are not ours, even when it hurts.  So my prayer has become: “Please change me.  Please heal my heart in spite of him.  Please help me make the most of this life I’ve been given.  Please teach me how to blossom in this place that isn’t right.  Please show me how you can make beauty out of two very different people.  Please let me let go of what may never be.  Please don’t let my perceived perfect way get in the way of Your story.”

I still wish he could love me.